Hi Reader,

I happen to have two spherical crystals in my office. Mostly because I’ve lived in LA for 15 years and I’m a coach. Last week, mid-session, I felt the strong need to pick them both up and hand them to my client.

“I’m handing you balls.”

(Yes, it’s a gendered metaphor. Yes, women don’t need testicles to be powerful. I know, I know. But she got it!)

Twice that week, on two different calls, I heard the same questions from two very accomplished women:

“Who am I to push back on that?” “What if they don’t like me?” “What if I offend someone?”

The women asking those questions are almost always the other kind: high-performing, deeply valued, liked by basically everyone. They’ve spent a career being careful, and it worked. Which is exactly why the math has changed, and they haven’t noticed.

Because here’s what’s true at their level: the more visible and influential you get in your career, the more inevitable it becomes that you’ll piss someone off. A leader at real altitude who has upset no one is a leader who has decided nothing.

Here’s what’s actually running underneath those questions: unwritten rules. Every one of us operates from a rulebook we never consciously wrote.

• “In order to be good, no one can ever be uncomfortable with me.”
• “I can’t claim the win until someone else names it first.”
• “If I don’t know the answer to the question, I’ll look stupid.”

Some of those rules got you here. Most of them weren’t even yours. They’re your mother’s. Your first boss’s. That one teacher’s. You’ve been following rules written by people who aren’t in the room anymore.

So here’s the exercise:

Finish this sentence as many times as you can: “In order to be successful or good, I must…” Write down every rule. Don’t edit. Then ask two questions of each one: Whose rule is this? Does it still serve me?

The ones that aren’t yours, or don’t serve you? Fire them. And for each one you fire, write yourself a permission slip. An actual sentence.

• “I have permission to disagree in the room.”
• “I have permission to answer without a week of prep.”
• “I have permission to piss people off with my decision.”

Your rules were written a long time ago, mostly by other people. You’re allowed to write new ones.

And if you need someone to hand you balls, my office door is open.